Same Ol' Bullshit!! (2.5 year old post by me)

Saturday, October 28, 2006 

same ol bullshit... Current mood:  awake  Category: Life Thursday, October 19, 2006   I write this before I go to bed so that I can clear my mind and hopefully go to sleep easily.   I am so pissed off.  My child is going through some shit with these petty little girls at her school.  They harass her, seek opportunities to start shit with her, insult and berate her.  And there are a few that befriend her then turn on her at opportune moments, withdrawing their friendship with cruel barbs, vicious laughter and taunts.    And this creates a famine/feast crisis within her.  So starved for friendship and acceptance from her peers that when it seems they have seen the error of their misjudgment of her, that they seem to see her for the nice girl she knows she is, she falls headlong, basking in their false light until the time that they cut her down again, plunging her into turmoil, despair and abject self-pity and doubt.    She tells me with that candor and insight that has always moved me to wonder and admiration at the level of introspection and observation she is capable of:  'Mommy, I don't know why I do this.  They are mean to me and I'm still nice to them.  They act like they are my friend then they are mean again.  And I keep being nice to them.  I know I shouldn't be…'  And more in keeping with her age: 'I don't have any friends!' 'No one likes me!' I have heard these things from her over two years now.    She sees the folly of seeking approval from these cruel children.  And she doesn't have the answer as to why she does it.  Or she can't verbalize it.  Either doesn't know how or doesn't understand.   It causes me so much pain.  I went through the same thing, yet worse on many levels (physical assaults, gang-up confrontations, being ostracized and scoffed at.)    I was (am) smart, pretty, light complexioned, wavy hair, nice.  These were things I simply was.  Simply possessed.  And these were the things I was attacked for.  Of course at 33, I can look back on these experiences with minimal emotional reaction. I see how silly they were.  I can only feel regret that I wasn't stronger at the time. That I "didn't know then what I know now."    And I push on.  I am proud of myself and of the child I created.  I am still healing from that damage during adolescence and the subsequent self-damage from low self-worth.  I am doing well.   I have always been very conscientious of not telling these horror stories to my daughter and truly hope I have avoided imprinting on her my insecurities and weakness in the face of the cruelty of others.  Yet I feel I have failed to a degree because she is exhibiting the same reactions in the face of similar circumstances.  I can only give the source as inherited emotional disposition.  A thing I could not stop, apparently.   She is still stronger than I was.  I made sure to help her be strong in her character. And she is.  Yet these experiences are chipping away at the armor she has not been able to fully don.  And oh how I wish it were ok to knock the crap out of the intimidators and bullies.  It's ok to me; I yearn for her to do it.  And she has the skill set to do it so efficiently that they would Stop.  Period.  But she doesn't want to get into trouble with school.  She loves school and she knows the importance of a clean disciplinary record.  (She is extraordinary!)  And I can't begrudge her for this.  It is said it is more difficult to do the right thing.  And when the right thing causes more harm to my child, then what?   So where is her alternative?  It seems she can only 'take it.'  They drive her to tears. Tease her about her hair.  Her clothes.  Anything they can.  I have been the concerned parent.  Tattling to the appropriate staff that can help her (I hope;) help stem the flow of vitriol coming from individuals.  And it's for naught, though the authorities have followed a good, proactive procedure.  I admire the Life Skills section on bullying and the like.  And she wouldn't speak up to share her past or immediate experiences because of fear of reprisal!  So now what?   These damaged children do what they know.  Damage others.  This, in addition to the primal nature of attempting to cull the 'weak.'  Because they see her as weak:  She won't defend herself to the degree that will cause them to stop.  Their sympathy is overridden by their own poor self-worth and feelings of inadequacy.  These girls (and boys) can't help but be cruel.  Such is one of the curses of being Black in America. Color/Hair complexes, lack of Confidence in Self, etc.   That is my only explanation for this vicious cycle that has lost no momentum since my time.  And we have plenty of history and stories from… well, since!  What do I do?  As a mother, I want to help my child.  To help her be strong.  To put a stop to this NOW.  And I feel especially sad because following proper and proactive procedures have garnered temporary and now fruitless results.  And due to the fault of no one.  These Tries were Attempts, and these Tries are Fails thus far.   God blesses you in your suffering, it is said.  And I know the God blesses you with what you need when you need it, and sometimes what you want as well.  Yet I think this rule becomes understood far to often in retrospective observation.  When the onslaught of projected negative energy is not immediately present.