Seeing With Clearer Eyes

The past 7 days have been so very trying! My daughter LOST HER DAMN MIND (another post later, maybe.) My main struggle this past week has been: I learn that my grandmother has passed. A wonderful 95 year long life with plenty of family that can look on her as their reason for existing. It has been 12 long years since I last looked upon her face, though 2 years since I heard her voice. There was no way for me to get across country to attend her memorial services, but I have entertained all my memories in my mind. One great thing that has come of this concentrated remembrance is finally realizing everything I learned from her. Her simple day-to-day doings were the stuff of life; of being a mother and grandmother; of being a woman who has lived a full life and took joy in her children's children. And if I could budget like she did with what she had! I need to start working on that! Amazing.

Despite my own personal struggles with not feeling accepted by those closest to me, as well as my peers, she always accepted me as I was and who I was. This is a great gift for me and it has helped me so much lately. Also, the big lesson with her passing and my not having seen her or had steady communication with her in these last years: Don't let things of the past that pulled you away, keep you away! In the end, most unfortunate events don't matter. I think of her with love, and, finally, deep admiration. I'm so glad I had that last conversation with her, though I didn't know it was such.

I love you Grandma. Neosha M. Banks. 1915-2010